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Thursday, June 11, 2015

So this is what they meant...



Ahhhhh, so THIS is what they meant. 10 months ago, shortly before beginning this amazing journey I have been on, people were telling me lots of things that I didn't think too much about at the time. It was lots of things I had already thought about or knew about, such as making the absolute most of everything while here, seeing as much as I can, taking lots of pictures, documenting and blogging as much as I can, etc. 
But there were also things they told me that are now hitting me like a ton of bricks... 

"The time will fly," they said.
"It will be overwhelming at first, but you will adjust faster than you think."
"As hard as you think it is to leave home, it will be much harder to come home."

Sitting here in the apartment I've called home for almost 10 months now, noticing the light change and shift as the sun is slowly sinking in the sky again, I am trying to wrap my head around how to begin to say goodbye to this place, these people, this life.

EVERY TIME I start to think about it, I get too emotional and just push it aside for another time. My mind and heart are both torn because I'm freaking out about leaving because it just feels like it's too soon. This time can't be coming already! At the same time, however, I'm SO excited to see my family and friends back home again. I can't wait to see my cats. I'm looking forward to starting my restaurant and nannying jobs this summer. I'm thrilled to already have plans for trips with (or to go see) friends. And I'm chomping at the bit for a damn Corner Store breakfast burrito and a Dunkin's coffee!!!! Haha.

Reverse culture shock is a very scary reality I know I am going to have to face when I get back. I think that is one of the reasons I am nervous about my return. It's that thought in the back of my head saying, "Yeah, all of those things are going to be awesome... but then you're going to realize that things are different. People's lives carried on without you. They have changed. YOU have changed." I know it's going to be a huge adjustment, and I'm worried because I know how hard I can be on myself... I'm going to get frustrated and not give myself enough slack. I will want everything to just fall back into place. But it's not going to be that easy. It's going to be difficult.

In addition to all of these things occupying my thoughts, I got home from work today to realize that it's been 4 years since my Pepere passed away. I know that for some people, they handle it as just another day. What can you do except remember them fondly? But because of my ever-anxious and overactive mind, I recall the day we lost him like it was yesterday. I think about all that I have done that he was not here physically to see. I can only hope that he is looking down on me always, and I am making him proud. It's especially stressful for me this year, however, because my Memere recently fell and injured herself. She's been in the hospital and just had surgery yesterday. It's really upsetting me that I am thousands of miles away and can't be there to see her. My mind always jumps to the "What if?" and thinks about the worst. I can only just hope and pray that she is strong enough to push through this challenge so I can finally come see her. I hope with all of my heart that Pepere is watching over here and taking care of her. Pepere, I know you must miss her like crazy like she misses you, but please convince her to stay at least a little while longer.

Anyways, now that I've probably depressed you all, I should probably get going attempting to organize and pack again. I keep trying to start and don't get very far.
I'm sorry this post isn't very uplifting, but it's all been consuming my brain lately and I wanted to make sure to get it all out and down somewhere. I think it's important for me to remember these feelings and moments, not just all of my awesome trips and experiences.

--Brittany